The strong, sicky sweet smell of lilies never fails to riot my belly. When I breathe them in, transported back to your service, scores of memories tear a path up from my heart to my brain.

Even now, I miss you with a fierceness that makes me want to jump into the afterlife and beat the crap out of you for leaving.

Rational? No.

No, but if there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that grief isn’t rational, nor delicate. It’s snot-slinging, messy, headache and heartache, forgetting to eat, not caring about anything through a pain moment of years that binds trauma and emotions to… well, everything.

What is Toxic Positivity, and how does it apply to Self-Care and Shame?

Toxic positivity is the expectation, either by one’s self, others and/or culturally, that even though a person’s emotional pain or difficult situation is overwhelming and/or uncomfortable, they should only have a positive attitude.

Toxic positivity is a deeply embedded part of our culture, and it can come from external sources, such as from articles that are titled “Five Things You Must Do to Be Happy,” or from a friend responding to your pain with invalidating statements of “you should look on the bright side,” and this cultural toxic positivity can infiltrate into our mindset and affect our emotional and relational self-care.

And, of course, toxic positivity can trigger shame because we can’t cognitively change the unconscious reactions in our body, aka, our emotions.

’Tis the time of year for crackling fires, amazing smells coming out of the kitchen, laughter, and family-togetherness. Well, at least, that’s what the made-for-TV movies want us to think.

For a lot of us, though, who come from families that were dysfunctional and abusive, family gatherings are a source of extreme stress and anticipatory anxiety. Gathering some resources to help us navigate is vitally important to surviving the holidays: you get to choose your level of involvement and how you frame it for yourself. You matter!

Setting Boundaries

I get questions from clients all the time about how to start to set boundaries, what to do if someone continues to crash through them, how to “make” the other person abide by them.

Setting boundaries is hard, so please cut yourself some slack. As you start to practice setting boundaries, you will get more comfortable with it. It’s very uncomfortable at first, and that’s okay. We are starting to do something that we’ve spent years — decades, perhaps — not doing! There is going to be a learning curve, so please tell your inner critic that your kind, inner coach says “shup, you are doing great just trying!”

There is a misconception that boundaries are to get someone else to do or stop doing a behavior, to stop treating us in a way that is harmful and hurtful. In reality, any boundaries you set are all about what you will allow and what you won’t tolerate. When we set boundaries, we are saying we value ourselves enough to say “no” and stop accepting the harmful behavior.

In my private practice, and mirrored in my life, because we seriously don’t end up in this work by accident, I’ve observed and experienced multiple, nuanced types of narcissistic behavior and attitudes.

It seems that you can’t go anywhere these days without hearing people label self-absorbed behavior as “narcissism.” Understanding that grouping behavioral characteristics which can be measured on a spectrum is particularly helpful, as articles which tout a checklist with a one-size-fits-all can often be confusing and misleading. It can keep us in conflict with what is healthy and what isn’t, and with codependent characteristics, it can potentially keep us in denial.

There are a lot of theories on how narcissistic characteristics manifest in people, and with all of my training and work in the shame arena, it’s glaringly obvious to me that shame plays an enormous role in the self-absorbed, un-compassionate, emotionally unavailable person who ziplines down neural pathways that are arrogantly self-serving (not to be confused with valuing and putting oneself first, as we can’t pour from an empty cup to take care of ourselves and help others).

My Mom’s suicide was the culmination of years of enduring painful emotional abuse and narcissism

The Shackles of Trauma & Shame

Life, Trauma’s Effect and the Pursuit of End of Quarantine

My silence erupted the volcano of your denial. — Jennifer Kindera

Published in response to Human Parts’ Weekend Writing Prompt.

And It Was Me.

Never let your truth be diminished or your voice go unspoken, you have something to say, little one.

Addiction is a complex issue that not only affects a person's behavior, but also their brain and nervous system. As a trauma recovery coach and certified healing shame practitioner, Jennifer Kindera understands the unique challenges that those struggling with addiction face. In this blog, we will discuss four ways in which addiction affects the brain and the body's nervous system.

Codependency, also known as "relationship addiction," is a term that describes a pattern of behavior in which an individual sacrifices their own needs to take care of others. This can include enabling, controlling, and sacrificing for the other person, often at the expense of one's own well-being. Many people struggle with codependency, but is it considered a mental illness? In this blog from Jennifer Kindera Coaching, we’ll explore a little deeper into codependency and how to pursue recovery and healing.

Trauma can have a profound impact on a person's life, and it's not uncommon for trauma responses to surface unexpectedly. These responses can take many forms, such as flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, and avoidance behaviors. When these responses occur, it can be overwhelming and difficult to know what to do. However, there are several things that you and Jennifer Kindera Coaching can do to help manage your trauma response and begin to heal.

Have you experienced traumatic events in your life, or have you been through unhealthy relationships that included the aftereffects of shame, addiction, codependency, or narcissistic abuse? I’m Jennifer Kindera, and I specialize in helping those who have experienced trauma like this in their lives. I’m passionate about helping others to heal their emotional wounds and find both peace and balance in their lives. Here are just a few of the online recovery coaching I offer:

In our culture, we spend a lot of time in our professional roles, creating, meeting deadlines, managing a team. For example, when we are in a management role, sometimes we can have employees that potentially don’t respond to deadlines or communications, shut down emotionally, procrastinate, or self-sabotage. Why does this happen? You know your team, you know the strengths and points of growth, so why does an employee act in these ways?

These reactions can be due to unhealed trauma & shame. So, what does it look like when you have an employee who is struggling, due to traumatic events and shame? Let’s break that down.

What is trauma?

According to Bobbi Parish, Executive Director of the International Association of Trauma Recovery Coaching, trauma is defined as:

A circumstance or event is traumatic to an individual if it meets the following three criteria:

-The individual feels they are powerless to control the circumstance or event

-The circumstance or event intensely frightens the individual

-The circumstance or event changes the individual’s beliefs about themselves, the world and their interactions with the world